Lately, I've been feeling some-what of a distance between myself and God. There are days where I feel like I could drown myself in scripture, prayer, and other forms of worship, and other days it feels like I hit a wall when it comes time to simply talk to him. I've struggled with a lot of things, but most of the time I find my struggles in my thoughts and with the worries of God knowing something that I don't want him to know. He knows the struggles within me: embarrassment, other people, situations, fears, and doubts.
Without fail though, even on days where I wake up with a heaviness in my heart or a cloud over my head, I see him in a lot of things. Some days when I find myself journaling (writing/typing), tears start to form because most of the seasons in my life have been very challenging and I don't like thinking that I'm so far away from the one that kept me close. Sure, my feelings of feeling shameful for falling so easily and vastly behind and feeling like being far away from him, lessened his love for me, were valid. However, validation doesn't mean there's truth to how I feel. In fact, it could easily be an insecurity that I have. Truthfully, it gets hard on the days that I realize how much time has passed without sharing my words and emotions. In full transparency, like I've shared with you before (on my socials), I'm notorious for scrolling on social media when I should be spending my time being more productive. I've mostly journaled to deal with my anxiety and fearful battles, and expressing my feelings onto paper, but then I fell behind, unintentionally. I create a distance between myself, my feelings, and my God. It shouldn't be, but it's hard for me to take and find time to journal so that I can release my doubts, and everything else that fills my mind, but we all have time, because we're attached to our phones, right? Truth is, I don't think there's one person that doesn't have a bad thought, but when we wrestle with the bad, we're not alone. We aren't fighting our battles alone, we always have someone by our side and if you feel like you don't, you do. I am there for you and with you while you're battling your thoughts. We might have to battle with the bad, but something better to believe in is always around the corner. Slowly, I realized that I didn't have to journal to God, he already knew the words in my heart. He already knew what burdens I was carrying, putting them on paper wasn't beneficial to anyone but myself and any season in my life where I would need to reflect. I read once that talking to God should be like talking to a friend. He might know everything that's going on with me, but that doesn't mean he doesn't still want to hear it from me. So... if you're like me and you find it difficult to pray or just simply say to the world how you're feeling, try talking to whoever you talk to, as if you're talking to a friend. (I know sometimes it's easier said than done). Express your distance and what has caused it. Express your life's goodness. Express your frustrations. Express yourself and emotions with clear honesty and transparency. I have to remind myself that meditation and praying doesn't have to be perfect, it just needs to be done. Don't let your mind consume you. Wrestle without the fear of being alone, because you're not alone.
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AuthorExplore the depths of emotions, feelings and thoughts, through raw, honest, and unapologetic expression in poetry, prose and blog form. Archives
June 2024
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